Can I have your opinion on a friendship "gone bad?"

[Anonym bruker]

I hope it's ok that I write this in english - my written english is a alot better than my norwegian......however, if you choose to reply you may do it in norwegian as I don't have that much problem reading and understanding it

 

I just need to air my head alittle.......I'm upset, angry and sad. I have a friend who I've known since I was child, but our friendship haven't been very close during life because we had very different lives.He has been living on the hard side of life and many people think he is both crazy and dangerous. He has a voilent side to him, no doubt abot that. 8 years ago we ended up having contact and developed a good friendship. He has been with his girlfriend for 10 years now, but things are really not going so good......I'm friends with both of them.

 

A few years ago he told me when he was drunk that he liked me a bit more than just a friend, but I've never had that for him. So, it was just a talk then and it never came up again. He's been quite a hunter for women and they have been living quite open about the relationship - to put it that way. Part of him is really damaged and he has been voilent to all girls I know he has been with. Nobody stands up to him because his way of handling things is to be hard when he meets resistance. I stand up to him and I'm painfully honest - actually he has learned to control his anger a bit because of me. We've been fighting really bad in the past. But also, we have always made up and he has proven to be a good friend to me when I've had hard times. Then he has always been there to help.

 

Lately he has been very down, he is so not ok. There has been night he has called me and talked about how empty his life is and that he is tired of life. On the verge of saying he is concidering suicide. I listen and try to help, but partially i haven't worried *too* much because he is talking about it. This weekend we had dinner and party together with some friends, when he got drunk he started talking again - thanking me for answering the phone when he needed to talk. Again he started to talk about how he felt about me. How empty all others are and that most people just disappoint him. He tried to touch me and did everything to "convince" me. He got more drunk and ended up being really angry because I didn't respond the way he wanted and needed. This is a man who doesn't show private feelings very easy. So, there I was trying to calm him down and to keep his girlfriend calm because she knows how he can be when he is angry and drunk. Everything was suddenly wrong. He threw me across the floor, threatned me and was yelling like hell.

 

I'm ok but I ended up with a bad back pain, blue marks on my elbows, a stiff ancle and wrist. Bad mouth I can take, but he really crossed a line with me. I'm fucking angry he treated me like this. I'm upset because I also understand why he did this. I'm sad because I feel I've lost a friend. I'm also upset because I didn't think he had this for me anymore, I thought it had turned into only friendship, but maybe I should have seen it...... I don't really think about myself like that. There is so much more to this story......I just feel.....stupid. I'm not going to call him to fix this either, if anything he is the one who has something to fix. But, it doesn't matter.....the friendship is broken anyway.

 

But still.........I feel I should be there for a friend who has a really difficult time in life........but how can I forgive this? Until now I've actually had some kind of trust that he would never hurt me, no matter the level of conflict or fight.

 

How should I handle this?

Anonymous poster hash: 80e32...374

[Anonym bruker]

....sorry, I don't know why the text turned blue....

 

Thank you for reading

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Anonym bruker]

I hope it's ok that I write this in english - my written english is a alot better than my norwegian......however, if you choose to reply you may do it in norwegian as I don't have that much problem reading and understanding it

 

I just need to air my head alittle.......I'm upset, angry and sad. I have a friend who I've known since I was child, but our friendship haven't been very close during life because we had very different lives.He has been living on the hard side of life and many people think he is both crazy and dangerous. He has a voilent side to him, no doubt abot that. 8 years ago we ended up having contact and developed a good friendship. He has been with his girlfriend for 10 years now, but things are really not going so good......I'm friends with both of them.

 

A few years ago he told me when he was drunk that he liked me a bit more than just a friend, but I've never had that for him. So, it was just a talk then and it never came up again. He's been quite a hunter for women and they have been living quite open about the relationship - to put it that way. Part of him is really damaged and he has been voilent to all girls I know he has been with. Nobody stands up to him because his way of handling things is to be hard when he meets resistance. I stand up to him and I'm painfully honest - actually he has learned to control his anger a bit because of me. We've been fighting really bad in the past. But also, we have always made up and he has proven to be a good friend to me when I've had hard times. Then he has always been there to help.

 

Lately he has been very down, he is so not ok. There has been night he has called me and talked about how empty his life is and that he is tired of life. On the verge of saying he is concidering suicide. I listen and try to help, but partially i haven't worried *too* much because he is talking about it. This weekend we had dinner and party together with some friends, when he got drunk he started talking again - thanking me for answering the phone when he needed to talk. Again he started to talk about how he felt about me. How empty all others are and that most people just disappoint him. He tried to touch me and did everything to "convince" me. He got more drunk and ended up being really angry because I didn't respond the way he wanted and needed. This is a man who doesn't show private feelings very easy. So, there I was trying to calm him down and to keep his girlfriend calm because she knows how he can be when he is angry and drunk. Everything was suddenly wrong. He threw me across the floor, threatned me and was yelling like hell.

 

I'm ok but I ended up with a bad back pain, blue marks on my elbows, a stiff ancle and wrist. Bad mouth I can take, but he really crossed a line with me. I'm fucking angry he treated me like this. I'm upset because I also understand why he did this. I'm sad because I feel I've lost a friend. I'm also upset because I didn't think he had this for me anymore, I thought it had turned into only friendship, but maybe I should have seen it...... I don't really think about myself like that. There is so much more to this story......I just feel.....stupid. I'm not going to call him to fix this either, if anything he is the one who has something to fix. But, it doesn't matter.....the friendship is broken anyway.

 

But still.........I feel I should be there for a friend who has a really difficult time in life........but how can I forgive this? Until now I've actually had some kind of trust that he would never hurt me, no matter the level of conflict or fight.

 

How should I handle this?

 

 

Anonymous poster hash: 80e32...374

 

Gikk dessverre ikke an å lese den blå teksten..

 

Anonymous poster hash: 448a5...a82

[Anonym bruker]

Too long, didn't read all. But I kept reading until you had twice mentioned violence against women. By then, I had decided my answer should be "make sure never to meet this person again".

 

Hope you take my advice.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 1cbd5...58d

[Anonym bruker]

I hope it's ok that I write this in english - my written english is a alot better than my norwegian......however, if you choose to reply you may do it in norwegian as I don't have that much problem reading and understanding it

 

I just need to air my head alittle.......I'm upset, angry and sad. I have a friend who I've known since I was child, but our friendship haven't been very close during life because we had very different lives.He has been living on the hard side of life and many people think he is both crazy and dangerous. He has a voilent side to him, no doubt abot that. 8 years ago we ended up having contact and developed a good friendship. He has been with his girlfriend for 10 years now, but things are really not going so good......I'm friends with both of them.

 

A few years ago he told me when he was drunk that he liked me a bit more than just a friend, but I've never had that for him. So, it was just a talk then and it never came up again. He's been quite a hunter for women and they have been living quite open about the relationship - to put it that way. Part of him is really damaged and he has been voilent to all girls I know he has been with. Nobody stands up to him because his way of handling things is to be hard when he meets resistance. I stand up to him and I'm painfully honest - actually he has learned to control his anger a bit because of me. We've been fighting really bad in the past. But also, we have always made up and he has proven to be a good friend to me when I've had hard times. Then he has always been there to help.

 

Lately he has been very down, he is so not ok. There has been night he has called me and talked about how empty his life is and that he is tired of life. On the verge of saying he is concidering suicide. I listen and try to help, but partially i haven't worried *too* much because he is talking about it. This weekend we had dinner and party together with some friends, when he got drunk he started talking again - thanking me for answering the phone when he needed to talk. Again he started to talk about how he felt about me. How empty all others are and that most people just disappoint him. He tried to touch me and did everything to "convince" me. He got more drunk and ended up being really angry because I didn't respond the way he wanted and needed. This is a man who doesn't show private feelings very easy. So, there I was trying to calm him down and to keep his girlfriend calm because she knows how he can be when he is angry and drunk. Everything was suddenly wrong. He threw me across the floor, threatned me and was yelling like hell.

 

I'm ok but I ended up with a bad back pain, blue marks on my elbows, a stiff ancle and wrist. Bad mouth I can take, but he really crossed a line with me. I'm fucking angry he treated me like this. I'm upset because I also understand why he did this. I'm sad because I feel I've lost a friend. I'm also upset because I didn't think he had this for me anymore, I thought it had turned into only friendship, but maybe I should have seen it...... I don't really think about myself like that. There is so much more to this story......I just feel.....stupid. I'm not going to call him to fix this either, if anything he is the one who has something to fix. But, it doesn't matter.....the friendship is broken anyway.

 

But still.........I feel I should be there for a friend who has a really difficult time in life........but how can I forgive this? Until now I've actually had some kind of trust that he would never hurt me, no matter the level of conflict or fight.

 

How should I handle this?

 

 

Anonymous poster hash: 80e32...374

 

Gikk dessverre ikke an å lese den blå teksten..

 

Anonymous poster hash: 448a5...a82

 

Thank you

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Anonym bruker]

Send han en skriftlig melding (unngå å møtes). Si han må oppsøke profesjonell hjelp og få kontroll på sinne osv før du vil se ham igjen. Det er han som skal be deg om tilgivelse, ikke du som skal reparere dette forholdet.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 448a5...a82

[Anonym bruker]

I read this quickly, but I think I got the essence of it. A gut that has some issues, drinks, cheats on his girlfriend and hits on you, is violent and threatens with suicide....do People here really need to tell you that you dont need a "friend" likt this in Your life? Especially if this has been for a long time.

 

Tell him he needs to get some profecional help. Maybe later you can think about the friendship again, but as it is now, you have to take care of yourself and take distance from him.

Anonymous poster hash: db23f...2e6

[Anonym bruker]

 

I read this quickly, but I think I got the essence of it. A gut that has some issues, drinks, cheats on his girlfriend and hits on you, is violent and threatens with suicide....do People here really need to tell you that you dont need a "friend" likt this in Your life? Especially if this has been for a long time.

 

Tell him he needs to get some profecional help. Maybe later you can think about the friendship again, but as it is now, you have to take care of yourself and take distance from him.

 

Anonymous poster hash: db23f...2e6

 

 

Thank you for answering

 

Well, as you may understand: what I write is only the essence of it, there is alot more to this story and I'm (at least at the moment) not able to see it as black and white as "take distance". Maybe I should, but this friendship has been very giving. Until now I've been treated with alot of respect and I've been able to help him turn some of his behaviour into something better. He will never be "normal", I know that.

 

I haven't spoken to him since the incident and I'm actually quite sure he's very sorry about it. What if he comes to me with a heartfelt apology? Maybe I can forgive, but my trust is forever gone.....so the friendship is broken. I have a hard time "throwing away" years of friendship - because it has actually been a good friendship. Or maybe I'm deciving myself since it was only friendship from my side - and more from his side. I don't know....

 

There are also so many good qualities within this person that makes it hard for me to just turn my back on him. I also - in some way - feel I owe him help in his difficult time because he was there for me when I needed it. If he had only taken this reaction out on verbally - not physically - I would not find myself thinking and being very doubtful like I am now. 

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Anonym bruker]

Du må være ærlig.

 

Et vennskap skal bygges på gjensidig respekt og likeverd.

 

Et vennskap hvor den ene er redd for reaksjonen til den andre, altså redd for vold, redd for å bli skadet om man provoserer er ikke et likeverdig vennskap.

 

En venn du må veie dine ord og gå på tå hev rundt fordi du er redd han er ikke et vennskap det er verdt å ta vare på.

 

Han må oppsøke profesjonell hjelp, du kan ikke hjelpe han nå for han har gitt deg juling. Da har han valgt deg vekk som likeverdig venn.

Anonymous poster hash: 740a1...6bf

[Anonym bruker]

Doubtful?!?!

What is there to doubt???

Don't ever consort with a violent drug addict, whatever his history!!!

 

Anonymous poster hash: 1cbd5...58d

[Anonym bruker]

Send han en skriftlig melding (unngå å møtes). Si han må oppsøke profesjonell hjelp og få kontroll på sinne osv før du vil se ham igjen. Det er han som skal be deg om tilgivelse, ikke du som skal reparere dette forholdet.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 448a5...a82

 

Thank you for answering

 

I fully agree - I'm not the one to ask for forgiveness, that is totally on him. I suspect he's both sorry for what he did and a bit ashamed too. He knows my opinion about this kind of behavious very well.

I don't think he'll seek any kind of professional help for his anger issues - he has been in and out many times in "the system" many times and haven't - at least until now - found anyone who has been able to help him the way he needs. He feels let down by "the system" and don't trust it anymore. Concidering his story I partially understand that.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Anonym bruker]

Doubtful?!?!

What is there to doubt???

Don't ever consort with a violent drug addict, whatever his history!!!

 

Anonymous poster hash: 1cbd5...58d

 

He is not a drug addict, just to put that straight

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Anonym bruker]

 

He is not a drug addict, just to put that straight

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

Yes, quite. My bad. He WAS a drug addict. And judging by his behaviour it didn't damage him one bit.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 1cbd5...58d

[Anonym bruker]

 

Du må være ærlig.

 

Et vennskap skal bygges på gjensidig respekt og likeverd.

 

Et vennskap hvor den ene er redd for reaksjonen til den andre, altså redd for vold, redd for å bli skadet om man provoserer er ikke et likeverdig vennskap.

 

En venn du må veie dine ord og gå på tå hev rundt fordi du er redd han er ikke et vennskap det er verdt å ta vare på.

 

Han må oppsøke profesjonell hjelp, du kan ikke hjelpe han nå for han har gitt deg juling. Da har han valgt deg vekk som likeverdig venn.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 740a1...6bf

 

 

All the way through our friendship we've been painfully honest with each other - and until now we've been equals regarding respect. 

He didn't actually beat me up, he threw me - way too hard, yes - across the floor. No hitting.

 

But yes, after this I will always have that uncertainty that it might happen again.....maybe even worse. My trust is broken.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Superdolly]

Jeg svarer på norsk, for min engelsk er ikke god nok til å få frem nyansene i det jeg vil skrive.

 

Han ga deg ikke juling, han slengte deg gjennom rommet. Hvorfor? Fordi du ikke reagerte som han ønsket på tilnærmelsene hans. Han vil ha et forhold til deg, eller kanskje han vil ha sex med deg. Du har ikke de følelsene for ham, og derfor slengte han deg gjennom rommet. Foran kjæresten sin, slik jeg forsto det.

 

Jeg skjønner at du er glad i ham. Jeg skjønner at du er glad i vennskapet dere har hatt. Men helt ærlig: Denne mannen er voldelig og farlig. Du er i samme situasjon som en kvinne som blir mishandlet i et forhold. Og i innleggene dine leser jeg at du unnskylder ham. Han har hatt det vanskelig, han var full, han har alltid vært så snill, du står i gjeld til ham fordi han stilte opp da du trengte det.

 

Du skriver at tilliten er brutt. Det bør den så absolutt være. Du kan ikke stole på denne mannen. Hva kommer han til å gjøre neste gang han drikker og får lyst på deg?

 

Det er gjerne slik at terskelen for vold blir lavere for hver gang. Den første gangen han slår, nei, kaster deg gjennom rommet, var det vanskelig for ham og han blir lei seg og skamfull etterpå. Neste gang er det lettere for ham å gjøre det. Etter hvert blir den voldelige reaksjonen normalen og ikke unntaket.

 

Du må holde deg unna ham. For din egen skyld. Visst er det en sorg. Visst vil det være vanskelig og leit. Men du er i en langt heldigere situasjon enn mange andre mishandlete kvinner: Du er ikke i et kjæresteforhold til ham og han har bare vært voldelig mot deg en gang.

 

Hi, hva ville du sagt hvis din datter kom og fortalte deg denne historien? Ville du rådet henne til å fortsette vennskapet og prøve å fikse denne mannen, med tilhørende risiko for sin egen helse?

[Anonym bruker]

Jeg svarer på norsk, for min engelsk er ikke god nok til å få frem nyansene i det jeg vil skrive.

 

Han ga deg ikke juling, han slengte deg gjennom rommet. Hvorfor? Fordi du ikke reagerte som han ønsket på tilnærmelsene hans. Han vil ha et forhold til deg, eller kanskje han vil ha sex med deg. Du har ikke de følelsene for ham, og derfor slengte han deg gjennom rommet. Foran kjæresten sin, slik jeg forsto det.

 

Jeg skjønner at du er glad i ham. Jeg skjønner at du er glad i vennskapet dere har hatt. Men helt ærlig: Denne mannen er voldelig og farlig. Du er i samme situasjon som en kvinne som blir mishandlet i et forhold. Og i innleggene dine leser jeg at du unnskylder ham. Han har hatt det vanskelig, han var full, han har alltid vært så snill, du står i gjeld til ham fordi han stilte opp da du trengte det.

 

Du skriver at tilliten er brutt. Det bør den så absolutt være. Du kan ikke stole på denne mannen. Hva kommer han til å gjøre neste gang han drikker og får lyst på deg?

 

Det er gjerne slik at terskelen for vold blir lavere for hver gang. Den første gangen han slår, nei, kaster deg gjennom rommet, var det vanskelig for ham og han blir lei seg og skamfull etterpå. Neste gang er det lettere for ham å gjøre det. Etter hvert blir den voldelige reaksjonen normalen og ikke unntaket.

 

Du må holde deg unna ham. For din egen skyld. Visst er det en sorg. Visst vil det være vanskelig og leit. Men du er i en langt heldigere situasjon enn mange andre mishandlete kvinner: Du er ikke i et kjæresteforhold til ham og han har bare vært voldelig mot deg en gang.

 

Hi, hva ville du sagt hvis din datter kom og fortalte deg denne historien? Ville du rådet henne til å fortsette vennskapet og prøve å fikse denne mannen, med tilhørende risiko for sin egen helse?

 

You are right. I've been reading my own text and the answers from the others many times now - and I actually see that I *do* make excuses....... I also see the similarities to an abused girlfriend.

And yes, this person and friendship has been valuable to me. Even if it all seems so clear to you all i need to think about this.... I feel I'm in an "all or nothing-situation", leaning towards nothing because a partial or superficial friendship will not work - or actually put fire to this situation. I just need to make the decision - and stand by it if he ever comes crawling offering an apology.

I think this is really difficult.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Anonym bruker]

 

You are right. I've been reading my own text and the answers from the others many times now - and I actually see that I *do* make excuses....... I also see the similarities to an abused girlfriend.

And yes, this person and friendship has been valuable to me. Even if it all seems so clear to you all i need to think about this.... I feel I'm in an "all or nothing-situation", leaning towards nothing because a partial or superficial friendship will not work - or actually put fire to this situation. I just need to make the decision - and stand by it if he ever comes crawling offering an apology.

I think this is really difficult.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

No.

It's REALLY, really straight-forward.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 1cbd5...58d

[Anonym bruker]

First of all: say to yourself that this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are talking about a violent-abusive episode. He did not get his way with you and acted in av way that is NOT OK!

NO, you do not take this so-called friend back in your life ever again. If you havet kids, these are the first you need to protect from any kind of relationship you have with other people.

Violent people are not to mess with. What could havet happened if there were no one else but you there.

Keep your distance. Even though your relationship have been valuable to you, IT Will never be Worth your time and effort to get the respect you should get back from him. He need help. Help you are not capable of giving himmelen due to his past. Get him out of your Life ASAP.

 

Anonymous poster hash: a53a8...c8a

[Anonym bruker]

Å gi slipp på vennskap som har betydd mye er vondt, ofte veldig vondt. Men er det nødvendig så må det gjøres.

 

Det er allerede kommentert at det virker som om du unnskylder ham. Kanskje er det lettere for deg om du skiller mellom det å unnskylde ham og det å forstå hvorfor han sliter med det han sliter med? Det han gjorde mot deg, og all volden han har utført mot alle andre damer han har vært sammen med kan ikke unnskyldes!

Likevel kan man når man kjenner til historien til en person forstå hvorfor personen har de problemene han har. Men selv om du vet historien hans og forstår ham, så må du vokte deg vel fra å "forstå ham ihjel". Det å kjenne en person så godt som du tydeligvis kjenner ham gjør dessverre at det ofte blir lett å stadig finne unnskyldning for adferden hans, du syr puter under armene hans, du dekker over. Jeg får en følelse av at du i dette vennskapet også er blitt hans terapeut. Du sier det selv, han har blitt litt bedre etter at han ble kjent med deg, litt mindre voldelig mot andre damer.

Det er en balansegang mellom det å være venner og stille opp for hverandre i vanskelige perioder - og det å bli terapeuten til en venn. Det første er naturlig, det andre er det ikke. Og jeg tror dessverre at i deres vennskap har flere roller blitt blandet sammen.

I bunn har dere et vennskap, men så har du blitt mer og mer hans terapeut. Har du tenkt på hvorfor han hører så mye på deg og har endret seg litt etter han ble kjent med deg? Jeg tror hans motiv for å endre seg i stor grad baserer seg på hans interesse for deg - et forhold samt seksuell tiltrekning. Dermed har han lyttet mer til deg enn til noen behandlere som ikke motiverer ham personlig - for han har trodd eller håpet at han kan vinne noe på å gjøre som du ("terapeuten") har sagt han må gjøre.

Men nå ble tålmodigheten hans strukket for langt, han er ikke villig til å godta å ikke få noe igjen for den jobben han kanskje føler han har gjort.

Det jeg skriver her er selvfølgelig bare synsing, jeg kjenner hverken deg eller ham - men dette er følelser/tanker jeg satt igjen med etter å ha lest innleggene dine.

 

 

Du skriver at du vet at han føler seg dårlig for å ha gjort dette mot deg. Jeg er litt usikker på det. Jeg er sikker på at han er redd for å miste deg, og kanskje føler på at han ikke skulle gjort det han gjorde fordi han selv kan tape på det. Men hvis han hadde hatt dype og gode følelser for deg - ville han ikke da ha tatt kontakt med deg, og bedt om unnskyldning og spurt om det går bra med deg?

 

Hvis han tar kontakt med deg og ber om unnskyldning så tror jeg du må sette grenser for deg selv. Fra å være et givende vennskap har dette utviklet seg til en suppe av destruktivt vennskap, seksuell tiltrekning (fra hans side) og terapeut-pasient-rolle og nå vold.

 

Jeg ville sagt det som det var, at vennskapet med ham har betydd mye for deg, at du har forsøkt å hjelpe ham, men at han ved å være voldelig med deg tråkket over en grense. Si til ham at du synes det er forferdelig respektløst av ham å slå an på deg foran hans samboer. Fortell ham at det er forferdelig respektløst overfor deg at han prøver å true seg til forhold/sex med deg når du sier du ikke vil, og fortell ham at du under ingen omstendigheter aksepterer vold!

Jeg ville sagt at jeg avsluttet vennskapet, men at hvis han begynner på nytt i terapi hos psykolog OG tar et sinnemestringskurs OG følger dette opp over tid, så kan du vurdere å ta opp vennskapet om et år eller to. Om han ikke tar tak i problemene sine med fagfolk og følger dette opp så lenge han trenger det, så kan du ikke ha noe med ham å gjøre.

Men helt ærlig - jeg tror ikke han vil gjøre det, jeg tror han bare vil bruke det som et pressmiddel mot deg. Han greier det ikke uten deg, ingen kjenner ham som det du gjør, han har kommet lenger med deg enn han har gjort med terapeuter osv. osv.

Om han sier det, så ville jeg fortalt ham at du ikke kan være hans terapeut, at han må finne motivasjon i seg selv til å bli frisk, og at han da trenger hjelp av profesjonelle.

 

Nå ligger det langt mer kjærlighet fra din side å sette svært tydelige grenser for deg selv og ham og fortelle ham at han må skaffe seg profesjonell hjelp. Om vennskapet blir slutt eller ikke, så kan ikke du redde ham. Han må være villig til å redde seg selv. Men jeg tror han bruker deg som en livbøye, fordi han ikke vil svømme selv. Det er enklere for ham å alltid lene seg til deg. Problemet med det er det du nå har sett... du risikerer å drukne fordi han prøver å stå på skuldrene dine.

 

Ikke tro at du kan redde ham nå, HI. Det er vondt, men din viktigste oppgave nå er å beskytte deg selv. Nå trenger han profesjonelle om han skal endre seg. Du har gjort ditt.

Anonymous poster hash: deca8...f3a

[Anonym bruker]

 

Å gi slipp på vennskap som har betydd mye er vondt, ofte veldig vondt. Men er det nødvendig så må det gjøres.

 

Det er allerede kommentert at det virker som om du unnskylder ham. Kanskje er det lettere for deg om du skiller mellom det å unnskylde ham og det å forstå hvorfor han sliter med det han sliter med? Det han gjorde mot deg, og all volden han har utført mot alle andre damer han har vært sammen med kan ikke unnskyldes!

Likevel kan man når man kjenner til historien til en person forstå hvorfor personen har de problemene han har. Men selv om du vet historien hans og forstår ham, så må du vokte deg vel fra å "forstå ham ihjel". Det å kjenne en person så godt som du tydeligvis kjenner ham gjør dessverre at det ofte blir lett å stadig finne unnskyldning for adferden hans, du syr puter under armene hans, du dekker over. Jeg får en følelse av at du i dette vennskapet også er blitt hans terapeut. Du sier det selv, han har blitt litt bedre etter at han ble kjent med deg, litt mindre voldelig mot andre damer.

Det er en balansegang mellom det å være venner og stille opp for hverandre i vanskelige perioder - og det å bli terapeuten til en venn. Det første er naturlig, det andre er det ikke. Og jeg tror dessverre at i deres vennskap har flere roller blitt blandet sammen.

I bunn har dere et vennskap, men så har du blitt mer og mer hans terapeut. Har du tenkt på hvorfor han hører så mye på deg og har endret seg litt etter han ble kjent med deg? Jeg tror hans motiv for å endre seg i stor grad baserer seg på hans interesse for deg - et forhold samt seksuell tiltrekning. Dermed har han lyttet mer til deg enn til noen behandlere som ikke motiverer ham personlig - for han har trodd eller håpet at han kan vinne noe på å gjøre som du ("terapeuten") har sagt han må gjøre.

Men nå ble tålmodigheten hans strukket for langt, han er ikke villig til å godta å ikke få noe igjen for den jobben han kanskje føler han har gjort.

Det jeg skriver her er selvfølgelig bare synsing, jeg kjenner hverken deg eller ham - men dette er følelser/tanker jeg satt igjen med etter å ha lest innleggene dine.

 

 

Du skriver at du vet at han føler seg dårlig for å ha gjort dette mot deg. Jeg er litt usikker på det. Jeg er sikker på at han er redd for å miste deg, og kanskje føler på at han ikke skulle gjort det han gjorde fordi han selv kan tape på det. Men hvis han hadde hatt dype og gode følelser for deg - ville han ikke da ha tatt kontakt med deg, og bedt om unnskyldning og spurt om det går bra med deg?

 

Hvis han tar kontakt med deg og ber om unnskyldning så tror jeg du må sette grenser for deg selv. Fra å være et givende vennskap har dette utviklet seg til en suppe av destruktivt vennskap, seksuell tiltrekning (fra hans side) og terapeut-pasient-rolle og nå vold.

 

Jeg ville sagt det som det var, at vennskapet med ham har betydd mye for deg, at du har forsøkt å hjelpe ham, men at han ved å være voldelig med deg tråkket over en grense. Si til ham at du synes det er forferdelig respektløst av ham å slå an på deg foran hans samboer. Fortell ham at det er forferdelig respektløst overfor deg at han prøver å true seg til forhold/sex med deg når du sier du ikke vil, og fortell ham at du under ingen omstendigheter aksepterer vold!

Jeg ville sagt at jeg avsluttet vennskapet, men at hvis han begynner på nytt i terapi hos psykolog OG tar et sinnemestringskurs OG følger dette opp over tid, så kan du vurdere å ta opp vennskapet om et år eller to. Om han ikke tar tak i problemene sine med fagfolk og følger dette opp så lenge han trenger det, så kan du ikke ha noe med ham å gjøre.

Men helt ærlig - jeg tror ikke han vil gjøre det, jeg tror han bare vil bruke det som et pressmiddel mot deg. Han greier det ikke uten deg, ingen kjenner ham som det du gjør, han har kommet lenger med deg enn han har gjort med terapeuter osv. osv.

Om han sier det, så ville jeg fortalt ham at du ikke kan være hans terapeut, at han må finne motivasjon i seg selv til å bli frisk, og at han da trenger hjelp av profesjonelle.

 

Nå ligger det langt mer kjærlighet fra din side å sette svært tydelige grenser for deg selv og ham og fortelle ham at han må skaffe seg profesjonell hjelp. Om vennskapet blir slutt eller ikke, så kan ikke du redde ham. Han må være villig til å redde seg selv. Men jeg tror han bruker deg som en livbøye, fordi han ikke vil svømme selv. Det er enklere for ham å alltid lene seg til deg. Problemet med det er det du nå har sett... du risikerer å drukne fordi han prøver å stå på skuldrene dine.

 

Ikke tro at du kan redde ham nå, HI. Det er vondt, men din viktigste oppgave nå er å beskytte deg selv. Nå trenger han profesjonelle om han skal endre seg. Du har gjort ditt.

 

Anonymous poster hash: deca8...f3a

 

 

Thank you for a long and insightful answer - you put to words alot of the things that is twirling around in my mind.

 

You are right saying I've ended up in some kind of therapist role in this relationship, maybe more than I'm able to see myself. I'll admit that I've got a personality that easily goes into trying ti "fix" and help people - alot of it may be due to my own life experience knowing that sometimes you need somebode there, I know how lonely and har it can be to have no one.

 

There has been no contact between us since this happened. A part of me is hoping that he will contact me, I feel I at least deserve the respect to be given an apology, even if the friendship discontinues. But also: I feel I *have* to talk to him at some point, clear the the air so to speak. It feels wrong to not talk about it. I'm kind of afraid I'll end up forgiving him and try to continue the friendship I have in certain situations a way too soft heart.......I do have a tendency to "over-understand" and see reasons behind every action. He knows this about me and I don't trust him to not use this to his advance. Maybe I should have been tougher and had this conversation with him earlier, then my anger and disappointment would have spoken in a much clearer way.

 

It is so easy to tell me to just walk away. It isn't. 

 

Thank you for giving me advice - I appreciate every angle of it from all of you.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 2f674...3ca

[Anonym bruker]

Tell him he's a cunt and that you're not interested in being friends with anyone who doesn't respect you or women in general. I would've called the police, there's no way I would've met him again, ever.

 

Life is to short to waste it on idiots.

 

Anonymous poster hash: a0b3a...ee9